IN 64 
H23 
:opy 1 



RANDOM THOUGHTS 



By Joseph Pigweed, Jr, 
of big rock corners, 

PISCATAQUIS CO., ME 



Wherein the Author unburdeneth his mind of some 

of his ideas on how to conduct the government in 

a natural manner; and embellisheth those 

ideas with hand-made and sugar coated 

philosophy, on a variety of moral 

and timely topics. 



EDITED BY FRED HAIX. 



PRICE 15 CENTS. 



CHICAGO: 

MOSES HULL- & CO., 

675 W. LAKE STREET. 
1889. 



RANDOM THOUGHTS 



By Joseph Pigweed, Jr. 

OF BIG ROCK CORNERS, 
PISCATAQUIS CO., ME 



Wherein the Author unburdeneth his mind of some 

of his ideas on how to conduct the government in 

a natural manner; and embellisheth those 

ideas with hand-made and sugar coated 

philosophy, on a variety of moral 

and timely topics. ) 



EDITED BY FRED HALL. 




PRICE 15 CENTS. 



CHICAGO! 

MOSES HULL & CO., 

675 W. LAKE STREET. 
1889. 






Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1SS9, 1»y 

FRED HALL, 
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington 



PEERAGE. 



THE Author wishes to say, as a preface to this 
little book, that no eloquence of language or 
continuity of theme is claimed for it. The ideas 
herein expressed came to him from time to time. 
He wrote them down as opportunity offered, and 
at last they are presented in their present form. 

While he claims no particular "inspiration," he 
is not prepared to say positively that he is entirely 
deficient in that pleasing attribute. 

His mind is open to light and conviction to truth 
from any source whence it may be derived. 

Should future study or experience show to him 
that any of the principles entertained by him are 
wrong, he thinks he has the courage to acknowl- 
edge his error, and speak the truth as it shall then 
appear to him. 

Fred Hall, 

For Joe Pigweed, Jr. 
Brockway's Mills, Me., Nov., 1889. 



Random Thoughts. 



THE NECESSITY OF POLITICAL STUDY. 



The Revolutionary Fathers were patriots in 
every sense of the word. 

The early builders of our government showed 
great wisdom. 

For a document built upon compromise, and as a 
result of the most conflicting interests, the Consti- 
tution of the United States is, perhaps, the most 
remarkable paper in the world. Its framers de- 
serve the respect and blessings of every liberty-lov- 
ing individual on earth. Let no one try to dim 
their glory. 

But every age brings with it its responsibilities. 
Civilization and advancement require action. The 
greatest happiness for the race cannot be attained 
by sitting stupidly down and contemplating only 
the achievements of the past. 

Are we, as a nation, competent to deal with the 
questions which are confronting us? Are we mas- 
ters of ourselves? If we are possessed of sufficient 
wisdom; if we have, as a people, that self-control 
which marks a successful man, our future is safe. 

In future pages, it will be observed, considerable 
stress is laid upon individual improvement in all 

5 



6 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

things, as being the key to the progression of the 
race at large. 

We are as grains of wheat in a measure, each 
helping according to our individual capacity and 
quality in determining the size and character of the 
entire mass. ¥c are apt in speaking of political 
matters to overlook this fact, and speak of the 
"country" and the "government" and the "people" 
as things far removed from ourselves. 

It is well to look at ourselves occasionally and see 
wherein we may improve. And if we do this 
calmly and without prejudice, we shall soon discover 
that we Americans are chronic boasters. 

In this we lead the world. We claim ourselves 
the greatest and the smartest and the most intelli- 
gent people on earth. 

We are the land of the free, and the home of the 
brave. We have a most convincing way of alluding 
to our "Republican Institutions," though no one 
can explain the interior construction or available 
effects of those monuments to our greatness. 

We shall find that, as is the case in all other ex- 
amples of brag and bluster, there is but very little 
to this talk but thin air. We "intelligent voters" 
have more self-esteem than knowledge. Our insti- 
tutions are far from perfect. We also have so fallen 
into the habit of boasting' of what our fathers did 
that we have not as yet intelligently and soberly 
considered what we ourselves should do. 

In my own observation 1 have found there is a 
great class who profess to "take no interest in 



THE NECESSITY OF POLITICAL STUDY. 7 

politics." They have no particular reason why 
they look so coldly upon the subject, only "they 
take no interest in it." That is all. They don't 
claim to know anything on political matters. They 
tell the truth. They don't know anything. But 
these same people always vote. I have known them 
"to plod their weary way" for miles, on foot, 
through mud, wind and rain, in order to get to the 
polls. This kind of a man never changes his mind, 
for he has no mind to change. He can be relied on 
by his party, for he will be on hand with the regu- 
larity of the sun. 

By his own testimony, this voter knows about as 
much of conducting public affairs as a man who 
never saw a train of cars would know about manag- 
ing a locomotive. 

There is another class whose chief ability is to 
carry torches and shout. Their patriotism is vented 
by words, not deeds. They learn a few parrot-like 
war-cries and are capable of "hurrah-ing" with 
vigor. I once knew a young man to lose, for a time, 
his powers of speech in this way, though he couldn't 
tell a single principle of his party. Well, perhaps 
it didn't have any, in which case this exemplary 
young man could not be blamed. 

I have seen others who never read or thought of 
political matters until the approach of an election. 
Then they would subscribe for one or two party 
papers and commence to get up steam. It is aston- 
ishing how much information can be got from fifty 
cents invested in this way. It apparent!^ demon- 



8 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

strates the folly of keeping one's self informed at all 
times, and seems to show that continued study is 
labor in vain. 

Then there are some who shun politics because 
they consider it low and vulgar. There are mean 
transactions connected with political movements, 
and these people, perhaps from pure, though mis- 
taken motives, have nothing to do with them. 

Still another numerous faction are those whose 
leading requisites in political wisdom consist of 
knowing just as little and getting just as mad as 
possible every time anything on the subject is men- 
tioned. People with harsh, grating voices can 
usually silence the most profound thinker of the age. 

Another large following is embraced in the 
"floating vote" which is largely influenced by the 
condition of the money-market. 

From these and similar classes, there is made up a 
large percentage of the voters, proving that when 
we arrive at the actual fact, we are, on the whole, 
lamentably deficient in information on all subjects 
of national growth and importance ; that we are 
ignorant; that we are allowing others to do our 
thinking for us ; that instead of conducting our own 
affairs, we are leaving them in the hands of agents, 
and that we do not even know what our agents are 
doinsf or desijnvinor 

Therefore, political study is a necessity, for if the 
various governments, local, state and national, are 
but mutual associations, to protect, educate and 
administer justice to their individual members 



THE NECESSITY OF POLITICAL STUDY. 9 

wherein each has an equal voice, it is that member's 
duty to thoroughly understand the methods con- 
trolling the working of those governments. He 
should know whether they are administered for the 
benefit of the whole people, or only for a favored 
few. A faithful citizen cannot do otherwise than 
prepare himself in all ways for the duties which a 
popular system of government imposes upon him, 
and at all times take part intelligently in the work, 
not only of maintaining it, but in devising ways 
whereby it may be improved. 

I once heard of a man who imagined he had 
natural instinct enough to be a jeweller. He ac- 
cordingly opened business, as a sort of preface, by 
taking apart a watch and thoroughly mixing up its 
ingredients. Though he had, no doubt, great 
ability, when he undertook the task of assaying the 
promiscuous mass, or rather, analyzing the dread 
chaos before him, and erecting once more a com- 
plete time-keeper, he found he had several wheels 
which he could find no use for. But the watch 
wouldn't keep good time. It needed those wheels. 

So it is in our national education. We may 
study and understand business, science, religion, 
literature and art, but political knowledge and gov- 
ernmental science must be also included. To build 
a superb structure of civilization we must have its 
foundation on solid earth. If our government is 
such that monopoly only can thrive, while the 
great masses are growing poorer, it is useless to 
speak or think of progress. 



10 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

It is to be desired that the world grow not only 
in material, but in spiritual things. That men not 
only -enjoy the pleasures pertaining to mere'physical 
existence, but that they also attain those joys which 
belong to the spirit or soul, and which are purer and 
nobler than anything found in grovelling material- 
ism. 

To a world or a nation struggling in poverty and 
ignorance, these things can never come. While in 
this life we must properly feed the body, ere we can 
uplift the soul. 

Do not think me of that pessimistic class who can 
see nothing but ruin in the future. I have faith in 
the general intelligence of the people, but I do not 
want them, while soaring away on the wings of 
thoughtlessness, to be brought to the ground by 
scheming and selfish men. 

Life is of too much value to spend a hundred 
years in recovering that which with proper educa- 
tion might never have been lost. 



THE GIANT EVIL. 

HOW TO SUBDUE IT. 



The following letter was first published in the 
Gazette, of Dexter, Me., a paper having consider- 
able local influence. It is edited by a friend of 
mine, (indeed everybody is a friend unless they will 
persist in being enemies, and even in that case I 
am non-combatant), and this, in part, accounts for 
the familiar style employed. Though bordering on 
the nonsensical considerably, there is a truth in it 
which I cannot improve upon, when in my most 
earnest moments. 

When, by education and individual cultivation, 
the soul is raised above all gross and sensual and 
passional cravings, then will intemperance, not only 
in drinking, but in other things, cease. 

This is something which depends upon the inner 
moral natures of the entire community. Their de- 
sires individually must be pure, their aspirations 
high, and they must be sincere. And people of 
good standing and good motives should not lower 
the public conception of the virtues of temperance 
by raising to the public gaze as leaders, those un- 
fortunates who are addicted to intemperate or im- 
moral habits. 

This, as indicated below, at once adds publicity and 
free advertising to those person's defects of char- 
acter, and what is more deplorable, it deadens the 

11 



12 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

public sense of what is right and beautiful in human 

nature. 

Eespected Friend Editor: — 

It seems to me that it is about time for the multi- 
tude of correspondents who write for your paper to 
lift up their melodious voices and, rending with the 
harmony thereof the atmosphere which surrounds 
our earth, bring light from above upon the perplex- 
ities of the temperance question. 

It is with a view towards lending a helping hand 
to this great cause, as well as to show what an 
obliging disposition I have, that these thoughts are 
contributed. A helping hand is a very desirable 
adjunct to the average human being. No well 
regulated American family should be without some- 
thing in the line of a helping hand. 

Why it is that none of our political parties have 
never yet run a campaign upon this issue I cannot 
divine. In quality of sound, ' 'helping hand" is a 
phrase agreeable to the ear, capable of receiving a 
roll of the voice, and easily absorbed by the hearer. 

Many a president has been borne into office on a 
war cry no more sensible than that. Noisy patriot- 
ism would accept this phrase at once. Of course I 
am a temperance man. But should I be called upon 
to suggest a complete solution of the liquor ques- 
tion, by statute law, I must confess I should find 
myself rather puzzled. 

There are other places of public trust far more 
desirable than those whose duty it is to adjust the 
moral nature of the people. This can be abund- 



THE GIANT EVIL. 13 

antly proven by the history of all legislation bear- 
ing upon such subjects, and the enforcement of 
laws resulting therefrom. 

A great evil, the intemperate use of liquors, exists. 
This is evident from observations made only with the 
naked eye. But how to wrestle'with that problem 
has perplexed many a big head, and many a little 
one, too. Bushels of fine A 1 brains, friend editor, 
have become as fuddled in trying to devise methods 
of banishing this vice, as they could had they been 
aiding in ridding the world of the demon rum in 
the more ancient and useful methods employed by 
adepts. There are those who go so far as to pray 
for the total annihilation of all sorts of liqucrs. 
They hold that cold water is the natural drink of 
mankind, and that all others are gross humbugs. I 
once heard a person delivering an impassioned har- 
angue on this subject, who, in the heat of his inspira- 
tion, thundered forth : " What has Nature provided 
for us to eat, drink and wear? Cold water!" But 
such sentiments always seemed just a trifle radical 
for me. 

As I remarked a moment or two ago, I am a tem- 
perance man. At the same time I am not prepared 
to swallow down every argument advanced against 
the use of an article of commerce prominent in the 
history of the world from the earliest ages. The 
rank prohibitionist may warn me against the mod- 
erate use of liquors, he may harp on the social glass, 
he may rail at the insidious approach of the thirsty 
genius which shall, at last, rule our passions and con- 



14 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

sign us to drunkard's graves ; he may bring to his 
use all the hackneyed phrases of his class ; he may 
preach by precept, and he may use illustrations 
drawn from actual life to prove the demoralizing 
effect of drink ; still I can point to him a person 
who has never suffered from any of the doleful re- 
sults pictured out. I can look that prohibitionist 
in the eye and calmly assert that, following the 
dictates of reason which were implanted in his soul, 
he has been so far enabled to shun those pitfalls so 
eloquently described. And I can tell the rank pro- 
hibitionist further, if he will stop long enough to 
hear me, that if the methods of that person of my 
acquaintance are carried out, that all of his argu- 
ments, and theories, and experiments, and the great 
ordeals of search and seizure, evasions of the law, 
hard study on the part of the persecuted vender to 
conform the Constitution of the United States to 
his requirements, etc., etc., will fade away into 
nothingness, and no man will know the location of 
their sepulchres. I can turn to the moderate 
drinker and say : "Here is an idea, which, if carried 
out, will prevent you from ever falling into the ways 
of an habitual drunkard," and to him who has 
reached that pitiful and deplorable condition: 
"By this system of handling intoxicants, you may 
rise and be a man." 

No doubt by this time you are getting pretty anx- 
ious to know who the person is, having methods 
and ideas, which if universally adopted would bring 
the downfall of both the prohibitor and the prohib- 
ited. 



THE GIANT EVIL. 15 

You and your readers no doubt are saying : ' 'This 
must at once be a great and good man." 

Possibly this may be true. I will leave it to your 
judgment to decide. But I will talk in mystery no 
longer. That person is I. 

And I have purposely enacted this little subter- 
fuge in order to have the great reformatory recipe 
burst forth with greater suddenness, and to have 
the great cause of a temperate character indelibly 
impressed upon the mind of every one who may 
read this, and here it is: 

i don't drink. 

I don't like to be unduly severe upon any one ; in 
regard to the rum-seller, for instance. I have heard 
many abusive epithets, many a scathing anathema 
hurled at him. Yet I never could find it in my 
heart to join in the wanton abuse of that type of 
God's creatures. It can but be admitted though, 
that there are other and fairer objects upon which 
to feast the aesthetic eye than a rum-seller, and I 
would prescribe for his case also my sovereign 
remedy. I tell you, if we all stick to that remedy 
and don't drink, the man who sells rum will soon 
send up a sickening cry of want. He will complain 
of a great loss of trade, and will have to eat his 
bread in the moisture of his brow with the best 
of us. 

It is strange to me that any one can be so totally 
devoid of human sympathy as to show none toward 
those whose natures are depraved and unable to 
keep free from the fascinations of the bottle. It 



16 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

is through this lack of sympathy that many a drink- 
ing man has been placed in public office, and in 
various positions of trust and importance. This al- 
ways looked to me as a very rude and inconsiderate 
proceeding, insomuch as it places a fellow-being in 
a conspicuous place, where his faults and weak- 
nesses and all the iniquities and absurdities result- 
ing from his habit receive free advertising, and the 
scoffs, jeers and ridicule which might otherwise be 
avoided. 

If a man must drink, let him hover around the 
family fireside, call in the doctor, and get over it 
as quickly and noiselessly as possible. 

He should not be dragged into publicity, and we 
are showing great disrespect for any one addicted 
to this habit, as well as to all the friends of the 
dear fellow, when we vote or lend our influence in 
elevating him to any place where cool judgment 
and sound sense are required. 

In closing this letter, friend editor, 1 don't want 
you to think that I feel egotistic at all ill having 
the peculiar constitutional remedy for intemperance, 
about my person. The fact is, I can't well help it. 
It is hereditary in our family. None of the Pig- 
weeds ever hankered much for stimulants; they 
have always been rather adverse to anything which 
would stimulate them. Nor have they ever, when 
sorrow overtook, or defeat overwhelmed them, 
sought for consolation in the flowing bowl. I be- 
lieve I had one remote relative who used to suspend 
the rules and imagine himself a great American bison 



THE GIANT EVIL. 



17 



once in a while, but the most of us have ventilated 
our overwrought feelings either in language of va- 
rious strength and horse power, or iu some other of 
the good old ways afforded us in examples of the 
saints and patriarchs of the past. 
Sincerely thine, 

Joseph Pigweed, Jr. 
Big Rock Corners, Me., February, 1889. 




MR. PIGWEED'S LECTURE 

BEFORE THE FARMER'S CLUB AT BIG ROCK CORNERS. 



The Farmer's Club of Big- Rock Corners, Me., 
Piscataquis County, is a society which the general 
public is liable to hear more about in the future. 
4 'At the earnest solicitation of his friends," as is the 
case generally when a man desires to air his elo- 
quence, the author, who is secretary of said club, 
delivered the following address. The occasion was 
on Fast Day. We farmers of the East do not like 
to work on such days, and while the physical sys- 
tem is supposed to be undergoing the torments of 
gnawing hunger, we love to feast the mind. The 
following is a sample dish of what the club serves 
up at its meetings: 

the lecture. 
Brothers and Sisters of the Club, and all other 

interested friends: — 

The subject which I have chosen for our Fast Day 
Talk is this: "When I holler, you run ; or the need 
of a more direct voice of the people in the govern- 
ment." Some of you may think it a very queer thing 
to discuss political questions on a day like this, a 
day set apart by custom, for fasting and prayer. 
But it is for that reason that I consider it appro- 
priate, for if the affairs of our nation progress for a 
series of years in the future, as they have for a few 
years in the post, the fasting of one day will be only 
a slight indication of what the toiling masses must 
endure continually ; and, therefore, with the per- 

18 



mk. pigweed's lectuke. 19 

sonal experience of these foreboding sensations, we 
can pray with better understanding and fervor, than 
upon a day when we have regaled ourselves upon 
the fat of the land. 

I am not aware that you can find the words of my 
text in any book, or engraved upon tablets of stone 
in any place. Quite a number of years ago I 
chanced to see a father engaged in the pleasures of 
the chase. He was chasing his wayward son. And 
he was armed with a weapon, which strikes terror 
to the imaginations of the rising generation, the 
world over. It was a shingle which that man car- 
ried, and as he pursued the fleeting dear — delin- 
quent son — he was forcibly impressing the youthful 
mind with this, his paternal mandate: "When I 
'holler,' you run." 

This, I think, should be the course adopted by all 
toward the governments of this country, local, state 
and national. They are the servants, the imple- 
ments of the people. They were designed to pro- 
tect our personal rights and liberties. They are 
supposed to be the means of extending our progress 
at home and abroad, of administering justice, dif- 
fusing education, protecting the weak against the 
encroachments of the strong, and of giving, as far as 
possible, an equal chance in the race of life for every 
one. Being for the people, they should act at the 
bidding of the people . In other words, when the 
people "holler" they should go as directed. 

The great danger which threatens the welfare of 
this country lies in the over-production of that old 
and always preponderating commodity, human 



20 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

selfishness or greed. Greed which is ever ready to 
sacrifice public welfare for personal gain. Greed 
which fosters the giant monopolies and combina- 
tions of capital, which are hourly taking to them- 
selves that which they never earned. Any one who 
ever gave this subject a moment's thought must 
have been startled when knowing the foothold and 
influence which money is already possessed with in 
this our land of professed freedom. 

It is not my intention of dwelling upon the ques- 
tion of monopoly, or the rights of capital and labor. 
I am aware that you all know that there is danger, 
that there are serious questions involved. In my 
opinion, the contest between the rights of humanity 
and the power of riches is only begun. The educa- 
tion which comes with the unrolling of time is all 
over the world bringing the masses of the people to 
the knowledge that brain is of more importance 
than the almighty dollar; and that while superior 
muscular strength and mental greed and cunning 
now give to some a monopoly of the earth, 
there is for all, when properly divided, or when 
social conditions are erected upon a natural sys- 
tem, plenty of room, plenty of liberty for each, with 
despotic authority to none. 

It is my earnest hope that the relations between 
Money and Mind may be adjusted fairly and in 
peace. For myself I am no fighter. I heartily 
asrree with Dr. Watts when he savs : 

"Let dogs delight to bark and bite, 

For God has made them so; 
Let bears and lions growl and light, 

For 'tis their nature too," 



MR. pigweed's lecture. 21 

But my little hands were never made for any such 
business. 

I want this country to be the example to the 
world of what a free country may become. I want 
it to show that disputes and difficulties may be set- 
tled by reason, instead of war. 

Therefore I am in favor of a broad extension of 
popular suffrage and a 

SIMPLIFICATION OF THE METHODS OF GOVERNMENT. 

Our various institutions of government should be 
so plain and easy in their working that everybody 
can understand them. 

And our elective system should be so broad that 
intelligent men and women of all classes can take 
part equally. 

Our methods of legislation should be so eliminated 
that all persons chosen should come direct from the 
hands of the people. There should be nothing be- 
tween the people and their government. And I be- 
lieve, as advocated by some, it would be a good plan 
for the people themselves to give judgment on all 
acts passed by their legislators, and to decide thus 
by vote whether those acts should become laws. 

There are a great many among us who, knowing 
of the cumbersome and complex system which we 
are under, refrain from voting. They say: "We 
know evils exist. We want certain measures 
adopted, but it is of no use to vote. These things 
will be lost before Congress and the President can 
be made to sanction or enforce them." 

Should the government be so simple that when a 



22 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

pei son voted, his power would be counted direct for 
or against the measures and men before the country, 
there would be no excuse for this class of citizens. 
There is everywhere a tendency to shirk responsi- 
bility. It is an old saying that "everybody's busi- 
ness is nobody's business." This is true. And 
when we delegate our rights to a great machine 
called Government, there is a general giving up of 
personal interest on the part of the people in affairs 
of public concern, which gives to selfish and greedy 
men an opportunity of shaping the course of laws 
and events for their own use and aggrandizement. 

But if the responsibility of law-making rested 
upon the people, and if all the officers of govern- 
ment were chosen directly by the people, you 
would see everywhere that the masses would fit 
themselves for their duties. They would realize 
that they were masters, and that the officers of their 
choice were servants to do their bidding. To refer 
again to our text, to run when "hollered" at. 

I will briefly show you, my friends, a few of the 
ways by which 

YOU ARE REMOVED FROM YOUR GOVERNMENT 

and thus thwarted in your will. 

Understand me, I am not railing about the original 
construction of our system of government. History 
says our forefathers were great and good men. I 
shall let history have its way on this point. We 
must be fools to try to prove that our grandfathers 
and grandmothers were not what they should be. 

But as every invention, however useful, is capable 



MR. pigweed's lecture. 23 

of being improved, so the machine constructed for 
the use of 3,000,000 people, and which has been, on 
the whole, a great success, is capable of receiving 
improvements, that it may properly administer to 
the needs of 60,000,000. 

In our national affairs we will begin with the 
election of president, 
where, instead of voting directly for the candidate, 
we vote for a number of agents, or electors, who 
are supposed to carry out the wishes of a majority 
of the voters of the state which chooses them. And 
in no two states is a man's voting power the same. 
It would be common sense and justice, for every 
voter to count one, in an election, but under the 
electoral system there is no such equality. This 
fact is not generally understood, but if you will 
take your pencil and clo a few examples in division 
you will easily be convinced that man power, when 
it comes to voting for president, is a variable stand- 
ard. 

New York, for instance, is called the "pivotal 
state," for by its 36 electors it usually decides the 
contest. Now, a voter, personally, in New York, 
casts less influence than, I think, in any other state, 
unless it be Pennsylvania. 

The population of New York in 1880 was 5,082,- 
871. Dividing this number by its 36 electors we 
find there is one elector to every 141,191 persons in 
the state. 

In like manner we can also find that in our own 
state of Maine we have an elector for every 108,156 



24 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

persons; in New Hampshire, one for every 86,748 ; 
in Nevada, one for every 20,755, and so on. 

You can easily see, therefore, that we in this state 
do about 40 per cent, more voting to a man than is 
done in New York, and that the voter in Nevada 
has also seven times the influence that his New York 
brother has, and five times as much as we have. 

This fact goes far toward proving that the boasted 
equality of every man in this country is but a 
legend, believed because we are in the habit of 
thoughtlessly repeating it. 

By the present method of electing the president, 
the change of several thousand votes in one or two 
close states decides the battle every time, and thus 
the entire question becomes one merely of the jug- 
glery of the electoral college. 

In the classic words of a certain showman, all 
that is required is "skill in the pres-ti-dig-a-ta-torial 
art." And by the use of this highly liberty pre- 
serving method, several men, against whom there 
have been large popular majorities, have been ele- 
vated to the presidential chair and heralded to the 
world as the "people's choice." 

This is one of our "American Institutions," a 
term by which we classify much of the merest clap- 
trap the world ever saw. It is an institution, un- 
democratic and totally opposed to the equality on 
which true republics are based. 

OFFICE SEEKING. 

After the president, chosen by this round-about 
process, is seated in the chair of state, he surrounds 



MR. pigweed's lecture. 25 

himself by friends and advisers, and becomes what 
is familiarly known as "the administration." His 
chief occupation for months is to furnish consolation, 
if possible, to those clever artists in legerdemain 
who were so instrumental in putting him where 
he is. 

In the postal service alone there is an army of 
60,000 postmasters. It is a cool day when there 
are not from two to a dozen American patriots at 
each office, who feel that they should serve their 
country, and turn an honest penny, by dealing out 
mail and obligingly licking postage stamps for 
their patrons, as well as in organizing the party for 
the next campaign. 

This is only one branch, for there are other office- 
seekers without number. 

There are thousands and thousands of offices, of 
every shape and every size, and, as you may say, 
every color of the rainbow ; and there are hungry 
seekers of every shape and size and color to corre- 
spond. 

If the president is a civil service reformer and 
does not pander to this multitude, he gets the ill will 
of all these gentlemen and their friends. If he is a 
spoilsman, he gets the ill will only of those who are 
left. So, for personal pleasure and comfort, it pays 
the president to be a spoilsman. 

Be it observed, the great complex appointing 
power of the entire federal government is really 
dependent on one man. 

I used to read of the potentates of the East, and 



26 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

of the chief cadi, or the grand vizier, or some 
other fellow holding despotic sway over his cower- 
ing subjects. How he would decide in some case 
before him that he wanted a certain man's head for 
a parlor ornament, and, like "Simon," by only a wag 
of his thumb to the executioner who was always 
stationed with uplifted blade, on the right of the 
throne, there would be a flash of the scimeter, and 
lo! the head was off for inspection. 

But in the disposal of public positions, our presi- 
dent has as much despotic sway as any proud and 
haughty monarch in the world. For he can, and 
usually does, so shape his "policy" that only mem- 
bers of his party have a hand in the government. 
Though he himself, be chosen by even a minority of 
the popular vote, the opposition can have no repre- 
sentation therein unless he chooses, which is ex- 
ceedingly rare. 

This you can see is unfair and unrepresentative. 
It makes the government one great ring for selfish 
promotion, and tends only to foster monopoly and 
to beget negligence. 

Were all the officers chosen by the people, the 
centralizing tendency of the government would be 
checked. There would not be such a demand for 
"places for our friends," and the general govern- 
ment would be relieved of half or two-thirds of its 
burdens. 

In the case of postmasters, for example, each 
locality could please itself, by choosing whoever 
the majority saw fit. In this way the government 



MR. pigweed's lecture. 27 

would be of the people. It would be representative, 
not partizan. 

EST REGARD TO THE ELECTION OF POSTMASTERS, 

by the people, I wish to say a few words which, 
perhaps, bear upon a subject uot much connected 
with our theme of governmental simplicity. 

That idea came to me by a way I cannot defin- 
itely explain. It seemed to spring up spontaneously 
within my mind. As far as I was concerned it was 
new and original, and, as in other cases, when ideas 
have been so forcibly presented to me, I have al- 
ways found them right in principle, I believe this 
to be also. I accordingly wrote out an article on 
this subject, but for certain reasons was prevented 
from having it appear in print. On looking over 
the Boston Globe one day I found the same views, 
practically, as mine, expressed there, life size. A 
few days later, Senator Blair of New Hampshire, in 
an interview, was recommending the same. And I 
found also in different parts of the country that 
members of the dominant party were meeting in 
their respective sections, and by ballot signifying 
to the high and mighty sovereigns at Washington 
whom they would respectfully and humbly pray 
those said awe-inspiring machinists to turn into 
human automatons for handling the mail in their 
locality. 

There is a large squadron of one horse power 
writers who have direful times in regard to 
plagiarism. Somebody steals their thoughts. It 
makes them "weep tears," as a famous bard once 



28 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

remarked. It is deplorable, I'll admit; for they 
seldom do such a thing as produce original ideas. 

Now the fact is men are quite similar in the con- 
struction of their minds. And among 1 several mil- 
lions it is not surprising if some would have the 
same thoughts, and yet be totally ignorant of their 
place in the minds of others. 

So instead of my acting out the little man with a 
grievance, I rejoiced that an influental journal 
and a United States Senator, and whole sections of 
one political party at least, were already accepting 
what I had not yet said. 

And between all of us original thinkers, Senator 
Blair, the Globe editor, the various factions alluded 
to, and Joe Pigweed, Jr. there is, I trust, a perfect 
understanding, and a mutual endeavor to make the 
liberty of the country more broad and far reaching. 

THE SENATE. 

One of the duties of the Senate is to advise and 
consent to the appointments made by the president. 
If the people did their own choosing, the Senate 
would be without much of the business it now has. 

I have studied long and laboriously to find the 
good of a Senate any way. But thus far the main 
discoveries made by me point to it as another 
"institution." 

It is surperfluous, and only makes the govern- 
ment more complicated, and harder for the people 
to propel. 

Yet I want to give the Senate its due, the same 
as you would another personage you may have 



MR. pigweed's lecture. 29 

heard of. It was created to check hasty legislation, 
and it has accomplished its work faithfully. As a 
clog to the wheels of government nothing could be 
devised to equal it. All hasty legislation devised 
for the good of plain people is effectually checked. 
And it stays checked. 

The Senate is a nice place to put millionaires in. 
It is being used for this purpose quite freely. 1 do 
not want to discourage young men either from 
aspiring to senatorial honors, for I understand it is 
quite a money making business to be a senator, if 
one°knows how to take advantage of circumstances. 
But I am opposed to the Senate because it is un- 
needed, and removed from the direct influence of 
the people. 

The term of a Senator is six years. In many 
instances entirely new issues come before the 
country within that term, which were hardly 
thought of, at the time of his election. The con- 
sequence is he takes no particular interest in those 
things. And being chosen by the State legislature, 
he stands behind a breastwork of circumlocution, 
and political scheming, safe to do his own sweet 
will, notwithstanding the demands of the people. 

The same general objections urged against the 
electoral system, can be used as to the unjust and 
unequal workings of the senatorial elections. The 
peculiar construction of the States, as to legislative 
districts, and not the popular vote of the State, is 
the chief lever by which a. United States Senator is 
hoisted into an. office, 



30 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

The more concentrated the elective power be- 
comes, the greater the chances for corporations to 
rule. Hence it is ofttimes an easy matter for powerful 
combinations of capital to bring their concerted in_ 
fluences to bear upon members of the legislature 
and thus secure the choice of whatever candidate 
they desire. When that gentleman gets to the 
Senate, he very naturally represents, not the people, 
but the corporations who sent him there. 

Thus as far as the people's voice in the American 
House of Lords is concerned, it is more a pleasing 
fantasy than an actual fact. 

EVADING BLAME AND RESPONSIBILITY. 

It is never a good plan in any matter, to have 
responsibility divided. It is very much like the 
old saying, "One boy is a boy, two boys a half 
a boy, and three boys are no boy at all." In having 
two houses of Congress, one is offsetting the other 
continually, killing all progress in any good direc- 
tion, and shirking and evading the responsibility 
of blame in any bad direction. As to all legislative 
action tending to an enforcement of the people's 
wishes, a Congress constructed on the present plan 
does about as effectual service as that of a certain 
individual I once heard of, whose father, a man of 
rather good judgment, described as one pursuing 
two callings. He "flew around," and he "put- 
tered." 

I would have you bear in mind another thing, 
dividing once more the responsibility of blame or 
praise as to the success or failure of all legislation. 



MR. pigweed's lecture. 31 

After any measure has followed its tortuous course, 
and finally got to the outlet of the long congres- 
sional still, there stands the President of the United 
States, armed with his Damascus blade veto knife, 
with autocratic power to slay whatever is presented, 
unless there are two-thirds of each house, to prevent 
his doing so. 

CONCLUSION. 

There, my friends, I have briefly spoken of some 
of the things wherein this is not a republican gov- 
ernment. And where the people may, as my friend 
I at first alluded to, said, "holler" and holler with- 
out avail. 

You can see that your highest executive officer is 
chosen indirectly, and under no proper system of 
equality or fairness. That after so chosen, he has, 
if he wishes to employ it, absolute authority of 
placing every oflice and function of the executive 
branch, the really practical working part of the 
government, into the hands of partizans leaving in 
no part of the country a particle of representation 
of the defeated, though perhaps most numerous 
party or parties. This is a centralized condition, 
embracing power — absolute and beyond dispute, 
greater than is possessed by but few of the regular 
all wool monarchs of the earth. 

You can see that the Senate chosen by you so 
indirectly, is in reality the great stronghold of cor- 
porate power, ready to check whatever reforms or 
measures the people's demands force through the 
popular branch of Congress. In addition to all 



32 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

this, one entire sex, half of the population of the 
country, are without the power of suffrage, and 
consequently unable to express their ideas, or en- 
force their desires as to the policy of the govern- 
ment. Nothing, therefore, short of a prolonged and 
tremendous political uprising can materially put 
into effect the people's will. 

The ideas I have advanced may, and probably will, 
appear to many of you as novel, unneeded, and too 
radical in the various changes proposed. If we of 
the American Union, prefer to think the principles 
and machinery of government a profound puzzle, 
too deep to he understood by common people, and 
of too sacred a nature to be touched by them, I can 
assure you that decision will be hailed with glee by 
two classes of citizens at least, viz. : the chronic 
office holder and the moneyed aristocrat. 

Mystery and stupidity on the part of the masses 
are stocks in trade upon which they hope for future 
success. 

If we want a prompt and certain entrance to 
heaven, one of our first duties is to construct a gov- 
ernment which will give every citizen equal rights 
and equal justice. One, which being in harmony 
with the laws of God, shall give to each of its sub- 
jects those things of life which God intended for 
him. 



FREE TRADE A NATURAL LAW. 



Before 1 commence writing en the present sub- 
ject, I want a few words with my friend, the reader. 
You and I have always lived in peace with each 
other. I have a great regard for your feelings, and 
have always tried to say what I wished to in a way 
that would not injure your serenity of mind, or in 
any way shock your fine sensibilities; but I am 
aware that when we approach the subject of Free 
Trade we are liable to differ in opinion. 

Now don't get mad if we do diverge in our ideas. 
Don't throw this article away, but manfully keep 
on to the end. I will warrant it to contain nothing 
that will injure even an infant. What I say, please 
consider in a placid and reasonable frame of mind. 
If you wish to turn over in the depths of your in- 
tellect, any thoughts concerning the source from 
which the following ideas and home-made illustra- 
tions originated, I have not the slightest objection. 
And when you write something for me to read, and 
I instead of you, am the "gentle reader" so often 
referred to in the books and papers of the clay, you 
may depend upon my being ready to look wise and 
pass my honest judgment on the same. 

I believe, when broadly viewed, there is no radical 
dividing line between the various branches of hu- 
man investigation and thought, but that science 
and art, politics and religion, and the thousand and 
one subjects of mental and material labor of man- 
kind are but parts of one great work, all blending 

33 



34 KANDOM THOUGHTS. 

and forming a portion of the sum total of the 
knowledge and character of the race. Often while 
pursuing a certain theme, thoughts will occur, 
which in their full application fit with great force 
and precision to some other subject apparently far 
removed from the one under consideration. And if 
you will notice it, it is hard to meddle with one 
question, without involving many others. 

It was while trying to find a solution to an alto- 
gether different problem, recently, that I became 
strikingly impressed with this conviction : Free 
Trade is a natural law. And farther, that it must 
be obeyed by all the nations of the earth 'ere the 
world enjoys a truly grand civilization. 

There is no claim as to originality in the ideas 
about to be presented, for doubtless they have all 
been published in some form or other hundreds of 
times. Still as the topic came to me, in a different 
light from what it ever appeared to me before, I 
presume there are others to whom it will be fully 
as new. Therefore I hand it out to them.* 

It is coming to be generally conceded and under- 
stood, that the only way to true progress and hap- 
piness is by adhering strictly to the natural laws 
which govern the Universe. 

This can be clearly proven by examples from 
everyday observations. Take the case of physical 
health. There are certain laws -'made and pro- 
vided" for the regulation of our lives. If we eat 
improper food, if we drink improperly, if we work 
too hard or --loaf" too hard, or fret, fume and 



FREE TRADE A NATURAL LAW. 35 

worry, or in any way harbor and nourish discord 
and weakness; or by any means violate the holy 
statutes of our being", we must suffer enough to pay 
the penalty of our transgressions. If we are farm- 
ers our success depends on taking advantage of the 
way this world of ours is run. We must plant and 
sow at the proper and natural season for those 
things. If we should sow our seeds amid the 
whirlwinds of winter, or while taking a "run on 
the crust," as we "down easters" observe, it 
wouldn't require a very sharp sickle to do our 
reaping. 

The "dull ox" cannot win in a race beside Maud 
S. The reason is, God didn't make the ox that way. 

Again. Personally I have been from a very early 
date in my history interested in mills and manufac- 
turing. I have seen a great many mills of differ- 
ent kinds, and studied considerably on problems of 
mechanical power and construction. And while I 
have never yet found anything resembling the mill 
of the poets and painters, neither have I found a 
mill-wright capable of making a river run up hill. 
Water will run down hill, in accordance with the 
laws of gravitation, and consequently the most im- 
proved turbine wheel has to be placed at the base 
of the fall, not in the air, to obtain good results. 

For the best of natural causes, wind-mills, even 
back to the days of Don Quixote, nourish best when 
in a more elevated condition, so we might proceed 
at great length to prove how futile it is to pursue 
a course opposite to the express directions and 



36 KANDOM THOUGHTS. 

usages of Nature. To obey them means success, to 
disobey means disaster. And thus at every turn, 
we are inevitably forced to the conclusion, that in 
Nature we may find laws and directions by which to 
shape every human desire, and by which to regulate 
every useful or needful action. 

But the great trouble with us mortals is we are 
too egotistical to recognize this fact. To use an ex- 
pressive phrase much employed by the fraternity 
of coopers, we have "too much bilge." Because 
we are in advance of any known animal we think 
we are lords of the earth, and "know it all." We 
seem to forget that there is an All-Governing Power 
above and around us, and that instead of beinsr 
proprietors of the universe, we are only small share 
holders in it, small parts of the great total. 

The usages, therefore, of government, society, 
and commercial intercourse, throughout the world, 
must be in accord with those hie: her or divine 
laws which control and guide, not oniy this planet, 
but all the stars in space. 

Therefore taking the present question of Free 
Trade away from all others, yet applying to it 
the same reasoning heretofore pursued, I think if 
it can become evident that it is correct in principle, 
it must consequently be safe in practice. 

By the author of all things, this earth was given 
its form, and manifold constituents. Different 
portions of the world are given different soils, and 
climates. Widely diverse natural resources mark 
every part. With every change of soil and climate 



FREE TRADE A NATURAL LAW. 3? 

there also exist plants, animals, and men, peculiar, 
yet appropriate to that soil and climate. 

But as there is a blending and a union of all the 
waters of the sea, and as every particle of matter in 
the universe is attracted, and held in place by every 
other particle, however distant or different in its 
nature, so I can see that between the various tribes 
and nations of the earth, notwithstanding the dif- 
ferences of race or of climatic or educational 
influences, there should also be a complete union, 
an indissoluble brotherhood. The human race can 
be likened in this respect to a family, wherein there 
may be several members each possessing peculiar 
characteristics. Yet they would be bound by fam- 
ily love, and family ties. 

It was impossible for this seeming division of the 
world and its types and resources to be other- 
wise. Building upon such magnificent proportion, 
tnis condition came of necessity. The same laws 
which caused this earth to assume a special shape, 
of necssity produced the wide variety of climate, 
which exists over its different parts. The same 
laws which raised the mountain enabling us to gain 
access to its mineral wealth, also gave to the river 
its birth, that from those mountains materials could 
be borne to lower portions, and fertile valleys 
brought into existence. 

Now it is generally held that everything in the 
world was made for man's use and good. That man 
being the final and superior type of creation, every 
production, every natural power, and every resource 



38 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

of the earth is intended for man's proper develop- 
ment and enjoyment. If such is the case, man 
needs every production, power and resource, before 
he can be fully developed, or before he can attain 
the enjoyment of life, intended for him. 

How can he obtain all the varied productions 
which naturally spring into existence, or by natural 
causes, can be more cheaply produced in certain 
different sections of the world, except by free and 
uninterupted commercial intercourse one with an- 
other among its peoples. 

Any law of man which restricts or hampers trade, 
and consequently a blending among the nations, 
deprives the race of the enjoyment of some of the 
good things of the earth. It lessens the total of 
human happiness, for it shuts out those things 
which God intended for free and universal use. It 
is putting off the day when war will cease, and all 
men will be as brothers, for in no way do men be- 
come better acquainted, or more firmly friends 
than through business transactions, which are mutu- 
ally beneficial. 

No language of my own can be used to express 
the fact that Nature intended universal harmony, 
and interchange among the nations, so forcibly and 
eloquently, as that employed by Addison who says : 

"I am wonderfully delighted to see a body of men 
thriving in their own fortunes, and at the same time 
promoting the public stock, ... by bringing 
into the country whatever is wanting, and carrying 
out of it whatever is superfluous. Nature seems to 



FREE TRADE A NATURAL LAW. 39 

have taken particular care to disseminate her bles- 
sings among the different regions of the world, with 
an eye to their mutual intercourse and traffic among 
mankind, that the nations of the several parts of the 
globe might have a kind of dependence upon one 
another, and be united by their common interests." 

We can learn much of freedom, both in trade and 
in other matters, as intended in Nature's plan, by 
looking at the habits of some of the members of the 
animal kingdom. 

The fish of the sea, for instance. There is the 
boundless ocean spread out for their habitation and 
use, as is the whole earth for man. And there is 
perfect liberty for them to roam where they will. 
When at any time the conditions of their usual 
haunts become unsuited to their wants, or where- 
ever a better chance for life presents itself, there 
they at once migrate. 

So with the birds. No narrow limit of national- 
ity bounds the course of their flight. No imagin- 
ary lines limit their abode. No Custom House 
officer performs his functions of search and seizure. 
Only the exigencies of climate, and the demands of 
life and its enjoyment dictate their aerial pilgrim- 
ages. 

The whole catalogue of animals which traverse 
the earth are governed by similar motives. Guided 
by a degree of knowledge, and the promptings of 
natural instinct, or intuition, they seek those places 
where the wants of their nature may be best and 
most easily supplied. 



40 EANDOM THOUGHTS. 

Ill all these cases, natural barriers — such as climate 
or continental restrictions, lack of ability, etc., set 
the bounds of their liberty in choosing and taking" 
from any part of the globe those supplies which 
were granted them by a bountiful Father. 

But man knows no restrictions. With his greater 
abilities he has solved the problems of navigation, 
and no obstacle in the way of distance cr climate 
prevents free exchange of "those superfluous pro- 
ductions of his own country for those which are 
wanting" 

One important point is often overlooked by those 
who argue upon the narrow and wholly superficial 
idea that each country should shut itself completely 
out from every other country, and produce or man- 
ufacture within itself, at whatever cost and under 
whatever natural disadvantage, every article the 
needs of its people require. 

This class usually speak with great stress, of foreign 
competition and foreign products driving out or 
depressing native industry. Now trade, the world 
over, is exchange of commodities. You can not buy 
of others, unless you in turn sell your own goods. 
Trade is not all one way. No one can be always 
selling. There have to be times of "stocking up." 
Therefore when the people of one country carry 
their goods to a foreign market, they cannot sell 
them unless the people of that country have also 
found customers for their surplus stock. So we can- 
not buy goods unless we sell goods in return, we 
cannot sell to others, unless others buv of us. It is, 



FREE TRADE A NATURAL LAW. 41 

as before stated, all exchange. Exchange of greet- 
ings, exchange of goods, exchange of friendships, 
and this results in a growth of knowledge through- 
out the entire body of humanity, and an enlarge- 
ment of that much to be cultivated attribute of the 
mind, fraternal love. 

It is admitted by many that free trade, as the say- 
ing goes, ''works" well in theory, but is a failure 
when put into practice. 

Now every natural law always succeeds. It 
knows no failure. And as the most eminent physi- 
cian is he who leads his patient to health through 
the paths of nature, so is that nation the most for- 
tunate which is directed by statesmen who know how 
to interpret and apply the simple rules of common 
sense. Monopoly and greed require complicated 
reasoning, and narrow, selfish, fear inciting argu- 
ments. Freedom is not fearful of foreign foes, or 
foreign friendship. Freedom grows in the open 
sunlight, and extends its hand to all the world. 

Free trade is necessary for the extinguishment of 
Tvar, and the education of the world at large. The 
most potent factors for strife among individuals 
are selfishness and want of acquaintance. A selfish 
man retreats within himself. He seeks no con- 
fidence with others. He is distrustful. In this way 
he becomes ignorant of the ways of the world, and 
the world in return knows and cares but little of 
him. Consequently when this selfish person is com- 
pelled once in a while to have dealings and inter- 
course with his neighbors, misunderstanding and 



42 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

unpleasantness are liable to occur. In a larger way 
this is also true of nations. 

Who in your community is the most successful 
business man? I am not speaking of speculators or 
questionable characters, for I regard their success 
as only transitory ; but who engaged in the neces- 
sary lines of business has attained the most solid 
regard of his townsmen, and commands the greatest 
proportion of their patronage. 

It is the man who was the most open hearted, 
who used every one alike, who took as much inter- 
est in serving a poor customer as he did a rich one. 
Who solicited trade from all quarters, high and low, 
and who was mutually a friend to all his patrons. 
If you will examine the condition of national trade 
you will find this applies to countries likewise. For 
as countries are made up of individuals, it neces- 
sarily follows, that as individuals are, so must be 
the country at large. 

How does the mind gain in knowledge and wis- 
dom? Is it by being sealed to the light of truth? 
Are our hermits our wisest men? Has the man 
who never went beyond his native hills the most 
extensive knowledge of the condition of the world? 
The mind expands, and manhood attains its full- 
ness, only by admitting light from every available 
source, whether from the wise or the humble. 

Who knows best how to live happily with his 
neighbors? The man who has but little to do with 
them, and is totally deficient of a knowledge of 
human nature? Clearly it is the man who, by deal- 



FREE TRADE A NATURAL LAW. 43 

ing and friendship, understands everyone's peculiar- 
ities, and from knowledge gained by experience, 
easily adjusts apparent difficulties. 

Thus must nations admit and court knowledge 
and friendship from every source, in order to be 
truly great. 

The great pleasures of society are due to the prev- 
alence of friendship among its members. Society 
should be enlarged to know no narrow limits of 
country, but to include the world. 

It will be seen that the points here given to show 
that free trade would result in bring-inff about a 
thorough acquaintanceship throughout the world, 
and a consequent inauguration of the brotherhood 
of man, are applied to all nations, and that I have 
not used this country as an example more than an- 
other. Also that no statistics have been used to 
prove the natural principle laid down. As to the 
latter, I have often heard "that figures won't lie.'' 
Whiie it mav be true that figures of themselves 
won't lie, I am well aware that people so disposed 
can lie with figures. I have therefore sought to 
gain entrance to your reason by less complicated 
methods. 

To the former observation it may be said by 
some: "No doubt this may all be true, if every 
country would adopt the principle of free commer- 
cial traffic, but it is'nt policy for this country to 
accept the plan till others do." 

On this same theory, when, I ask, will the world 
become reformed? According to that you must not 



44 



RANDOM THOUGHTS. 



be honest until every one is also honest. When 
think you this mighty concert will commence. 

It is always right to do right. Do right yourself 
whether others follow or not. That is their look- 
out, and if they do wrong they must sometime re- 
pay. 

If Free Trade is, as I have endeavored in my 
humble way to show, a law, wide and universal in 
its application, it is the duty of every nation to 
adopt it, and the one which adopts it first will first 
reap its benefits. 




A MODERN MIRACLE. 



Thinking the reader may become tired by a steady 
perusal of such topics as have been previously dis- 
cussed, the following- is introduced as a sort of 
interlude. 

There are many who think miracles are produc- 
tions only of the past; but that the one embodied 
in the following poem is true, I have no doubt. I 
have heard it repeated in church by a very good 
and very pious person, perhaps a score of times. 
The story is that person's, the mode of telling it is 
my own. 

It is seldom "I drop into poetry" and this is 
offered just as a sample of what I might do if I 
applied myself in earnest. Please do not think it 
was written under the inspiration of Robert Burns. 

'Twas "way down east," in Maine's remote interior, 
Where city folks, high, middling or inferior, 
May rusticate and lord it most superior, 

And laugh with scorn 
At the "old farmer," his spine by hard work bending; 
And rest their weary selves while they are spending 
The cash, perchance their creditors are lending 

On hopes forlorn, 

A young heir lived, whose forte was to make trouble, 
As by green apple colic life was double, 
Though to fond parents it seemed but a bubble 

Ready to burst; 
Or when engaged in many a circus antic, 
Performing wondrous feats, and risks gigantic, 
Or when for knowledge went on tours romantic 

To quench his thirst. 
45 



46 RANDOM THOUGHTS. 

One day while climbing dizzy heights, he fell 
With a dull sickening thud, and, sad to tell, 
To many fragments did he smash his — well, 

His limbs. 
Nature, her styles are changing, this please note, 
She used to furnish legs by which to "tote" 
Our bodies, now "limbs" are thought by universal vote, 

The proper things. 



Dismal the voice that from the ground ascended, 
The air, with screeches wild, afar was rended, 
It seemed the note of discord sure intended 

For crack of doom. 
His doting parents o'er his crushed form hovered, 
With frantic sympathy his howls they smothered, 
They thought him, as they wept with faces covered, 

Fit for the tomb. 



But when they come to face the dire disaster, 

The crowd a hundred ways devised, tongue's ne'er went 

faster, 
Some prescribed pills, and some a porous plaster, 

But one said, "Nay, 
Faith, faith enough can do all things that's spoken; 
No bones or flesh, however bruised or broken, 
But will cement again by this most magic token. 
Let's pray." 

Then loud and long the chorus skyward tended, 
Whilst o'er that shapeless mass the faithtul bended, 
They prayed those shattered bones as quick be mended 

As lightnings flash. 
And lo! as in a wood where all abounding, 
The echo sharp comes back with deep resounding, 
When falls the forest tree its life's work rounding, 

There came a crash! 



A MODERN MIRACLE. 



47 



And every bone and every sinew slivered, 
And every nerve and muscle that had quivered, 
And every broken part that had been shivered, 

Where pain had lurked, 
Each took at once their old familiar places, 
Pain left the boy, and radient grew the faces 
Of all. No sorrow left its traces. 

The prayer had worked. 



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